tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50366806203589986352011-09-05T00:35:33.101-04:00Our cries for the daughter who came into the world silently but spoke volumes into our livesCynthianoreply@blogger.comBlogger1111100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-25098992026014210292011-09-04T20:41:00.002-04:002011-09-04T20:52:36.322-04:00

We have been gone from this space for over a year. The truth is that our grief consumes us less these days, thank God. Our hearts are filled with much joy as our second daughter nears her second birthday. She is full of life and giggles. This summer after a difficult pregnancy, we welcomed a healthy baby boy. And now our little family is complete - as complete as it can be with one of us

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-71499523951418770752010-07-11T20:52:00.001-04:002010-07-11T20:52:13.379-04:00

Before Molly was born, I scoured blogs looking for women who had a child after a loss. I specifically wanted to find mothers who had lost their first child and went on to have other children. Unfortunately the first time mothers whose blogs I was reading had not yet birthed a second child. (Many of them have since, praise God!)I wanted to know what that experience was like, giving birth to and

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-6281739495565938032010-05-11T14:20:00.002-04:002010-05-11T14:21:31.029-04:00

My morning started with my adorable (hungry) little girl handing me the sweetest card. She then started to cry, because while we were celebrating mommy, baby still needed to eat! Daddy made us a delicious breakfast complete with lattes.This was my first Mother's Day at church since losing Cara. It was a gentle ease back in. I ended up having to leave with Molly half way through the service

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-8455708264156803872010-04-02T20:49:00.001-04:002010-04-17T22:21:43.109-04:00

My laptop is on the fritz. Actually it's beyond that. We have had a love hate relationship the past couple of weeks. I love it, but it hates me. There is another laptop in the mail, which can't arrive soon enough.In preparation for my new beloved's arrival, I have spent the past week deciding what to trash and what to keep. In doing so, I backed up all my pictures. Twice. I decided that I should

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-69171816998986467172010-03-22T17:23:00.002-04:002010-03-22T17:27:41.925-04:00

Below is a quick synopsis of pending legislation for stillbirth & SIDS. If you click on the link below it, then on "Take Action" on the next page, "New Users click here", you can complete a quick form which generates an email to your representatives and senator. It's quick - less than 1 minute - and let's your voice be heard! First Candle started circulating this campaign in case you are

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-71001172716339729052010-03-16T20:20:00.000-04:002010-03-16T20:21:14.457-04:00

In the fall I'm planting daffodils, hundreds and hundreds of daffodil bulbs. (Ok, probably tens of tens, but hundreds of hundreds sounded more dramatic.)Daffodils and cherry blossoms are in bloom right now, and they are beautiful. Interestingly, the Bradford Pear which has been in bloom this day the past two year is not in bloom. I'm somewhat thankful.But the daffodils, they are a welcomed

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-66809784377074436482010-03-01T11:35:00.002-05:002010-03-01T11:37:55.110-05:00

These are friends of my cousin. Please watch their video and vote for their cause.Vote here to help another grieving mother: http://www.refresheverything.com/ErinsDream

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-91826478271628633592010-02-02T14:57:00.001-05:002010-02-02T14:57:19.685-05:00

Last night your daddy walked past the nursery 45 minutes after I put Molly to sleep and heard the lamb mobile playing. Molly woke up at 3:30 this morning for a bottle. As I sat feeding her, the mobile once again came on.I just have to wonder if it was you in there. Playing with your sister.The mobile has been giving us quite a bit of trouble. Frankly, we can't get it to play. These are the only

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-41691492611340444602010-01-22T22:16:00.001-05:002010-01-22T22:18:18.174-05:00

Every baby is a miracle.Our friend was leading the children's message at church. He was talking about how ordinary people perform miracles and how lots of miracles were happening in Haiti. Somewhere in the midst of his message one line struck a cord with me. "Every baby is a miracle."A woman my parents age, who I look to as the 'church mom', reached over and squeezed Molly's foot. My heart

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-59057803520404656932010-01-08T09:21:00.000-05:002010-01-08T09:22:36.014-05:00

Flip. The page turned on the calendar and thus we find ourselves in a new year.All I have been able to think about is we are nearing Cara's birthday. The day two years ago that my life blew up into a million pieces. Months later I stood there most of the pieces having flown away, trying to grasp at the few still swirling around me.This week has been particularly draining for me and Tim. We have

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-51990294396613935632009-12-24T08:44:00.001-05:002009-12-29T08:51:37.971-05:00

This morning, I keep thinking back to the past two Christmases we've shared as a family.In Christmas 2007, Cynthia was just going into her third trimester with Cara, and carrying her so beautifully. It was a really nice Christmas together. And while we enjoyed that Christmas together, we spent most of our time dreaming about next year's Christmas and what it would be like to share all our

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-79708373849378719362009-12-20T22:36:00.001-05:002009-12-21T09:06:23.205-05:00

I found a new love this morning. The Methodist service of Lessons and Carols. Our church brought in a professional storyteller to weave the journey of Christ's coming to the world. The congregation sang hymns between the passages of scripture from the Old Testament Prophets to the Good News of the New Testament.As I sat rocking Molly singing one of the hymns, Tim and I caught eyes. He smiled

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-79924879708922451672009-12-13T21:03:00.000-05:002009-12-13T21:04:17.294-05:00

"Do you check to see if she's breathing," they ask me. Then before I can even answer, they say, "of course you do, every parent does."True, but does every parent convince themselves that their child is dead? Does every parent look across the room at someone else holding their baby and believe the child isn't breathing? Or look in the bassinet and only see an ashen-colored baby when really there

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-27523305624933544532009-12-07T09:54:00.000-05:002009-12-07T09:55:16.479-05:00

"This is going to be the best Christmas of your life," they tell me. Do they say this because it is a line society delivers to every parent of a living child that first Christmas? Or do they say it because we just lived through the worst Christmas of our lives?As we have taken Molly to various holiday parties and introduced her to friends and family for the first time, Cara is drawn to my mind

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-72292101730841744972009-12-03T09:52:00.002-05:002009-12-03T10:07:01.637-05:00

This time last year was a very dark place for us. It was our first Christmas without Cara, we had just suffered a miscarriage, and months of infertility followed both of our losses. The holiday was cancelled. No celebrating. We desperately longed for our ray of hope to shine through again.Music is a crucial part of our lives, so we were intentional about what albums we listened to as the holiday

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-15894379493655567862009-11-29T20:43:00.000-05:002009-11-29T20:44:40.084-05:00

Today marks the beginning of Advent. As we got ready for church today, I realized that I love the Advent season. I love it for many reasons - the build up as we all wait together for Christmas, the advent wreath and candles, the blue and purple liturgical colors, the songs. Memories of advent in the Methodist church I grew up in came rushing back this morning.It was exciting to take Molly to

Timnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-33515969538329375602009-11-10T11:48:00.000-05:002009-11-10T11:49:56.535-05:00

I try to make sense of it. Molly living, Cara not. I want to rationalize it, analyze it. "Molly wouldn't be here if Cara was alive. There might have been another Molly, but not this one," my mind wants me to believe. My heart is filled with so much love for this little girl. In some way I want to make sense of it all, and I can't.I have heard other parents do it. "I wouldn't have had this child."

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-26527984334849440382009-10-21T13:38:00.003-04:002009-11-10T11:25:24.495-05:00

This is a really good article that describes some of the great work First Candle is doing to help reduce SIDS and stillbirth. Please click on the link below and check out this article:How First Candle is Fighting SIDSAs First Candle continues to do its great work, I hope that less and less parents will have to go through losing their baby to SIDS or stillbirth. If you haven't heard about First

Timnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-33095952166895762812009-10-15T19:26:00.003-04:002009-10-15T19:42:38.531-04:00

Remembering our sweet Cara Grace and all the babies who flew to heaven too soon...

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-82014189134121318472009-10-13T15:54:00.004-04:002009-10-13T19:48:45.766-04:00

Her birth was silent, and we wept. As the days passed, the quiet weeping turned to deep sobs and later passionate yells as tears poured down our faces. Tim and I started this blog, Cries for the Silent, shortly after we lost Cara. Initially we intended to use this blog to advocate for stillbirth legislation and awareness. At times it has been that place for us. However, we also use it to

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-15742096876353702322009-10-13T09:04:00.000-04:002009-10-16T09:06:41.738-04:00

Is that some people act like Cara never lived. Or that she was never born. I'm back at work today and everyone has been by to shake my hand and give me the typical congratulations. It is sweet. I appreciate their excitement and joy for Molly's arrival.But comments like "How's it feel to be a Father" or "Molly was your firstborn" are hard to take. I know people mean well and are just saying the

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-61837922484562940822009-10-12T08:51:00.000-04:002009-10-16T09:40:25.988-04:00

Cynthia and I keep saying this week that we can't believe we're here....with Cara gone and now her little sister Molly here. Cara should still be here. We lost her just 18 months ago. It wasn't supposed to happen like this.And yet the second child in our family, beautiful little Molly, is here with us. A little earlier than we would have planned if Cara were still alive, but she is here

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-2702256284332418282009-10-09T22:45:00.004-04:002009-10-09T23:02:13.166-04:00

We would like to introduce the newest member of our family Molly AnneBorn October 3, 200912:19 am6 pounds 8 ounces, 19 inchesFriday October 2nd we were scheduled for an amniocentesis to check for lung maturity. Much to our dismay, we learned I was already in labor at 36 weeks 5 days when we arrived at the hospital. They broke my water around 6:00 pm and several hard hours of labor for me and

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-42230634161798801032009-10-02T08:00:00.001-04:002009-10-02T08:00:07.440-04:00

I found this reflection on birth while we were trying to conceive our second little one. It comes from The Pattern of Our Days: Worship in the Celtic Tradition from the Iona Community, edited by Kathy Galloway.BirthTo waitto endureto be vulnerableto acceptto be of good courageto go onday after day after day;to be heavy with hopeto carry the weight of the futureto anticipate with joyto withdraw

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-77061366181744160662009-10-01T14:05:00.001-04:002009-10-01T14:05:32.536-04:00

Twice in the past week someone has said to us that in a few days Tim will be a dad. I'm sorry, but did our first not count? The individual is someone who lost a baby in utero between 5-6 months, although it was this person's second child. In fact, this person was at the funeral when we buried our little Cara.I finally had to say that there are a lot of emotions around bringing home our second

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-91348782672366664032009-09-26T21:06:00.003-04:002009-09-26T21:16:06.222-04:00

The week after we lost Cara, my mom approached us about planting a garden for Cara. The idea quickly took root and soon we had plants from family and friends filling our front porch. A family friend who is also a landscaper sent his crew in for a day to help these plants find a permanent home in our backyard. It became our outlet as we grieved and tended the earth last spring and summer.

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-71602734900830330012009-09-22T11:43:00.002-04:002009-09-22T11:46:22.773-04:00

We're in the middle of that point in Cynthia's pregnancy right now where it feels like any day the baby could come and everything is about to change. We're at this point sooner than normal since the doctors are planning to take the baby early. But we're here nonetheless.It's hard to be here again when it was not too long ago we were "here" waiting for Cara to be born. Doing the final touches in

Timnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-50315559329560788592009-09-18T09:27:00.001-04:002009-09-18T09:33:59.724-04:00

Over the past 9 months, Cynthia and I have been asked this question too many times than we'd like to remember. At the store, at the pool, at restaurants, during conversations with complete strangers, at the hospital and even at the clinic from a few nurses.I know that to most people this is just an innocent question used to strike up a conversation. But to those who have lost a baby or miscarried

Timnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-82268578678149918162009-09-05T18:26:00.002-04:002009-09-05T18:30:07.601-04:00

I have been fairly absent from this space. These past few weeks have been difficult ones for me physically. I was in triage at the hospital twice and then admitted once for four days for signs of early labor. There is so much focus on keeping our little girl alive that my thoughts are consumed more by her than by Cara. It's hard. The paradigm shift of needing to care for my daughter almost

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-51124437498481354102009-08-11T20:18:00.002-04:002009-08-11T20:22:13.701-04:00

We were on our way to deliver flowers to Cara's grave that our friends A, R and their boys J (5) and T (3) who were visiting from out of town.I was riding next to J in the car when he turned to me from his carseat. "Will the baby kick when we visit Cara?""Yes," I said. "She loves when we go to visit Cara."T asked, "Mommy, how did Cara die?" I heard R from the backseat, "Remember what Mommy told

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-79139855255065955792009-08-09T09:20:00.002-04:002009-08-09T09:23:17.795-04:00

Last Sunday our friend A, Tim and I journeyed 15 minutes down the road to visit our dear friend L at her new church. It was a joy to see her in her new home and realize that ultimately she is going to be ok there as much as I would love to have her back at our church! In typical L fashion, she preached a truly inspired message. The woman clearly has a gift!The sermon was based on Exodus 16, when

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-49282183139507890372009-08-07T09:09:00.004-04:002009-09-05T18:31:10.807-04:00

I got to see Coldplay in concert on their Viva la Vida tour and it was just incredible. It was much more than a set of songs, it was an experience. What it made it all the more special was to be there with an incredible group of friends from church that have graciously stood by Cynthia and me over this past year and a half.The Viva la Vida album has a special place in my heart. When this album

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-88314977082626198392009-08-03T20:58:00.002-04:002009-08-03T20:59:50.963-04:00

It's a horrible combination.I could manage pain before the grief. I was learning to manage the grief before the pregnancy hormones. Then the horrible combination of all three started to intermingle, and it leaves me a soppy mess.I remember saying to our pastor the day we found out we lost Cara that I couldn't imagine anything hurting worse than that. How I didn't want to have another hurt because

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-44020522627380983712009-08-03T08:19:00.001-04:002009-08-03T08:23:16.164-04:00

I had a conversation last week that has been on my mind...I was getting my haircut during lunch with a really nice stylist. We talked about the economy, healthcare, and then of course family came up..."Do you have any kids?"I had a feeling this question was coming. It occasionally has during my 15 minute haircuts and I just have a hard time getting into the conversation in this situation. I

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-89842765251303634792009-07-23T08:51:00.003-04:002009-07-23T08:54:59.073-04:00

I wanted to share a prayer that was printed inside our church bulletin on Father's day. It was beautifully arranged by our Pastor. I pray this for all fathers today, particularly those fathers who have lost a child.Eternal God and Almighty Father,God of Abraham and Isaac,God of David and Solomon,God of Joseph and Jesus,We pray this day, for all fathers:for those who continue to lead us in

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-38241748188617183742009-07-19T21:32:00.001-04:002009-07-19T21:32:41.842-04:00

Three times in the past week the discussion of "is this my first" has come up in conversation. I have been honest each of the times, but not as honest I would like to be.The first meeting was at the pool last weekend with a woman who has been a member since I was a child. It was the first time Tim and I have spoken to her. My preggo brain does not allow my recall the specifics of the conversation

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-24514347908619311182009-07-19T20:29:00.003-04:002009-07-19T20:42:00.720-04:00

For those of you in the US...This past week the Stillbirth and SUID Prevention, Education and Awareness Act of 2009 was introduced to Congress in the both the House and the Senate.For stillbirth the bill seeks to:1. Expand current data collection activities to additional states to identify the causes of stillbirth and ways to prevent it in the future.2. Create a public awareness and education

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-23119354031300276602009-07-16T15:31:00.001-04:002009-07-16T15:31:47.040-04:00

The topic of organ donation recently came up in our grief group. A mother 10 years later was still dealing with her decision to donate her daughter's organs. Her daughter's heart had actually gone to a little boy who was staying in the room next to another grieving mother's son who is also in our group. These two women have a unique bond that formed through this experience. As they were both

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-22375285914442885082009-07-08T08:06:00.001-04:002009-07-08T08:07:34.304-04:00

For over 30 years, my family has journeyed to beach for the week of July 4th. It is a time to reconnect with aunts, uncles, cousins and at one time our grandparents, who have now gone before us. I still find ways to connect with my grandparents through this trip. I have taken over making the family batch of chocolate chip cookies every year, a tradition my grandmother used to maintain. The first

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-80235536917562079792009-07-06T20:37:00.002-04:002009-07-07T07:52:02.504-04:00

Day 3 of our beach vacation and we both already feel relaxed and refreshed. And as we expected, our time here is met with grief. Just two years ago our dreams for Cara began. A year later, just months after Cara’s death, we came back to the beach but in many ways it didn’t feel like much of a vacation. We were still in a state of shock over Cara’s death and just beginning to start trying to

Timnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-87926390233639383662009-07-02T14:11:00.000-04:002009-07-02T14:13:09.743-04:00

A good friend recently asked me if I was still going to visit Cara's grave in the morning.Lately, I've been going about every other week on Thursday or Friday mornings before work. I find that it's a helpful way for me to stay connected to Cara and recenter myself. When I'm standing there, I'm reminded of the simple gift that Cara is to us, and of what's really important in life.Cynthia and I

Timnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-67454356261189979712009-06-29T21:17:00.002-04:002009-06-29T21:19:02.335-04:00

As I was washing dishes last night, looking out the kitchen window at the backyard, I had a vision of our baby's baptism reception. I saw faces of familiar family members and friends all gathered together in our backyard. I saw smiles and joy written on those faces. I even saw myself proudly carrying her in my arms as we walked around greeting our guests. For me, for all of us, it was one of

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-23975732152533368702009-06-27T09:14:00.003-04:002009-06-29T21:16:38.201-04:00

This summer, Cynthia and I are finding the summer weekends to be hard. The pain isn't as raw as it was last summer, but it's still hard nonetheless. It's still hard to be walk around the pool and see all the little babies and toddlers hand in hand with their parents. It's still hard to wake up on a summer Saturday with an empty nursery void of sweet little Cara slowly stirring as she wakes up for

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-39760303562352387742009-06-25T08:46:00.000-04:002009-06-25T08:48:45.230-04:00

There are moments in this life when everything seems right. When for only just a minute, all the world feels whole and safe. Something bigger than you picks you up and allows you look out across the vast horizon to see only what matters in the world.These moments come through many different ways. Maybe from hearing a beautiful song on the radio for the first time. Maybe through marveling at

Timnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-12581062399000073742009-06-21T22:12:00.002-04:002009-06-21T22:16:45.714-04:00

Father's Day this year was easier I believe than last year. Last year Tim and I could never see eye to eye on the day and our expectations for it. This year we went out last night to buy Tim a watch. Then today we spent the morning at church, the afternoon at the pool, and the evening with my parents and brother. There were moments of grief for Cara but also moments of joy for our next little one

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-56952249139104810192009-06-21T08:23:00.001-04:002009-06-24T08:44:26.797-04:00

Cynthia took me out last night to buy a watch. It probably seems like an odd thing to buy, but I told Cynthia that I needed something to get me through this day. I guess I needed a little retail therapy. I've also found myself over the past couple of months in desperate need of watch whether at work or church or on the run. I've never been much of a watch guy but it was time to give in for

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-20326319814298740502009-06-19T11:50:00.002-04:002009-06-21T08:04:15.376-04:00

I have mixed feelings about Father's day right now. Cynthia and I were planning out our weekend and I told her I just need some time to think about what that day is going to look like. I think it's going to be a harder day than I thought it would be. The hallmark holidays are so tough. I know there are deeper meanings to them, but at times they seem more superficial and just an opportunity

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-27272501781053750212009-06-12T08:25:00.001-04:002009-06-12T08:51:58.790-04:00

I've had a picture on my desk of Cynthia's and Cara's hands ever since I started back at work after Cara's death. I've only received about 3 or 4 comments on the picture in that time.Yesterday afternoon, a co-worker who has never been at my desk walks by..."Is that a picture of your wife, she's so cute!" she says."Thanks, yes she is.""And what is that?""That's a picture of my daughter, who died

Timnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-84802405959986590162009-06-11T15:37:00.001-04:002009-06-11T15:38:23.063-04:00

This afternoon I had lunch with C, her daughter, A and son, M. As the two of us tried to manage both of them while chatting, the server walked up to talk to A. She asked who belonged with whom. C said they were both hers. The server looked at me and said, "I was trying to figure it out. You haven't wanted to give this a try yet?"I just plastered a fake smile on my face and made a noise in my

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-48598820616983498482009-06-08T15:15:00.001-04:002009-06-11T15:18:30.598-04:00

The grief came back in a big wave this weekend. We committed ourselves to a number of gatherings that we were looking forward to. It was in the moment though that I felt the absence of the one who should be with us.Friday night we celebrated R's 3rd birthday. Tim and I love R and the group of friends gathered together. R in particular has a been a source of joy for us, because she is able to

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-48696909926545459032009-06-01T07:33:00.000-04:002009-06-01T07:34:09.697-04:00

Last week Tim and I had our final joint counseling session with David. We have been meeting with David since two days after I delivered Cara. I remember that first walk up the steps to his office. The steps were narrow and steep. I walked up them slowly in tears from the pain of delivery and the weight of my grief heavy on me.Our times with David have been the calm in the midst of the storm. It

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-35807875393739506742009-05-29T07:58:00.002-04:002009-05-29T08:02:11.620-04:00

Tim and I learned that we are pregnant with another little girl this week. Our little bean is due October 26th, and we couldn't be more thrilled. It has been a whirlwind pregnancy already, and we can only hope that the next 18 weeks pass as quickly as the last 18.

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-58911248498105850042009-05-22T19:17:00.002-04:002009-05-22T19:32:40.147-04:00

Hard to believe that summer is almost here. Time seems to be moving pretty quickly here lately, which I'm thankful for. And yet, I miss Cara more than ever. I've been writing this week about our time with Cara in the hospital and it's a bittersweet reminder of how much of a gift it was to spend that day with her, and what we're missing.One of the lifelines that has helped me through this

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-9112609706952607052009-05-21T13:00:00.001-04:002009-05-22T19:30:54.782-04:00

I've been a quiet blogger lately. This is mostly because of a new project I've started to work on....Over the past couple months, there's been something in my gut urging me to write, to get down on paper as much I can about our journey with Cara over the past two years. This urge and feeling, and I suppose what some would say is a "call" has surprised me. I've never considered myself a writer,

Timnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-8797808185951022902009-05-10T08:11:00.002-04:002009-05-10T08:14:39.093-04:00

Mother's Day is upon us again. Over the past day or so I've been struggling with the "happy" that often goes along with "Mother's Day." Part of my struggle with "happy" is from a point made by one of Cynthia's friends who also lost her baby...she said that for a while in her grief journey she didn't "do happy." I totally can relate to that. I was talking with Cynthia today about Mother's Day

Timnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-92193979328411049942009-04-12T18:09:00.000-04:002009-04-12T18:10:01.955-04:00

I'll start by saying this is not a post about the glory of the resurrection. Therefore, if you are not interested in my honest reflections on Easter Sunday, you may excuse yourself now.Easter Sunday started out emotional for me. I was sitting here preparing the pork tenderloin for our Easter lunch. Tim was holding me as I was stuffing garlic into little slats of the meat as tears came pouring

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-68640061469172911072009-04-12T07:07:00.000-04:002009-04-12T07:07:31.692-04:00

I resigned to myself today that this is never going to get easier. I should have known this. I've heard other parents at Compassionate Friends share how the second year is harder than the first. But for whatever reason, it was just in my head that the second year would be easier. I guess society feeds us this lie. That "one year" is a magical date that erases all grief. This could be no further

Timnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-65203394670819609112009-04-11T13:10:00.000-04:002009-04-12T07:08:40.769-04:00

The concept of thin places takes root in the ancient tradition of faith. It is the place where heaven and earth draw so near it is as if they are almost one. It is the place where we catch glimpses of the divine in the midst of the broken world.I'm currently reading a book by a daughter who lost both of her parents in the span of a few months. She writes about the places that were thin in those

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-60464962464355529672009-04-05T10:00:00.000-04:002009-04-06T08:18:45.717-04:00

As Cynthia said to me this morning, "Palm Sunday is tough." Cynthia and I enter Holy Week with mixed emotions.  Last year, Palm Sunday was very different for us. We processed into our church walking together as Cynthia carried Cara in her womb. I sat in the choir dreaming about how next year I'd get to sing the spiritual, "Ride on Jesus, Ride" to Cara. We dreamed of Cara waving palm branches

Timnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-81705627538625216302009-03-25T15:57:00.001-04:002009-03-25T15:59:19.830-04:00

$700 is how much the test was to diagnose my blood condition.Saturday Tim and I went to a local garden center. We enjoyed a private visit with the owner because it was a slow day. She is a very sweet lady who had been to our church's yard sale for First Candle in the fall. We mentioned recognizing her from that event. I shared with her why we held the yard sale and where the money had gone.It was

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-29247435185413927962009-03-24T12:19:00.000-04:002009-03-25T12:19:57.407-04:00

This morning I got up early to make Cynthia a birthday breakfast feast of palacinke (a Slovak version of a crepe). My thoughts quickly turned to Cara. Wishing that she was here to wish her Mommy a happy birthday. Wishing that I was juggling Cara in my arms as I scrambled to get breakfast together.Tonight, we are going to back to the last restaurant we ate out at before Cara's death. Cynthia

Timnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-20217747556676832009-03-19T20:26:00.002-04:002009-03-19T20:28:13.453-04:00

Someone sent this video to me because we have two kitties who get very excited when we come home. However, receiving the video on Cara's 1st birthday made me only think of her.How sweet will our reunion be one day?

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-55323645149802614652009-03-18T20:30:00.001-04:002009-03-18T20:33:19.191-04:00

Today was as perfect as an imperfect first birthday without our baby could be. Tim and I went out to Cara's grave early and set up a little memorial for her. We spent some time alone with her talking about what this day would have been like and how we remembered her birth. We reflected at exactly 8:52 am about how she entered our world and forever changed it.Our friends and family gathered at 9:

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-83405758707912024792009-03-18T20:15:00.001-04:002009-03-20T08:25:29.822-04:00

We gathered together this morning, on a gorgeous, sunny morning to remember and honor Cara. We were so grateful to have our family and friends standing beside us. For those of you that were with us from far away, we felt all your prayers and love which has touched us deeply.This morning was harder for me than I expected. I felt like I was going to be able to take in the service without a heavy

Timnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-20795775607112891002009-03-16T08:18:00.000-04:002009-03-16T08:19:03.392-04:00

I'm struck this morning about how much Cara has changed our lives. Very shortly after Cara's death, we huddled in her nursery and on our family room couch compiling our "because of Cara" list. It became a list of ways we wanted to change to honor her. Some of the things included living more simply, building a stronger marriage, eating better and staying in shape.One of my fears with our "

Timnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-42017632214845561872009-03-16T08:15:00.001-04:002009-03-20T08:22:51.282-04:00

I wrote this a few months after Cara's death. I share it almost one year later, on another Monday morning....***It was a pretty normal Monday. Dragging myself out of the bed after a full weekend of making final preparations for the arrival of our firstborn daughter, Cara Grace. Anticipation was in the air. I said goodbye to Cynthia that morning thinking that at any time my cell phone could ring

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-16931650981172757182009-03-15T20:37:00.002-04:002009-03-15T20:39:38.015-04:00

March 15th is a very difficult day for me. Well I suppose the 16th through the 18th will be difficult. Looking back we believe that March 15th was the last day Cara was alive. While, I didn't realize she wasn't moving until the 17th, the fact that she was likely gone of the 16th is extremely difficult for me.I have come to terms with the fact that she had likely died by the 16th, but still it

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-67381738401707877182009-03-13T16:51:00.001-04:002009-03-13T16:51:41.009-04:00

In the midst of the great tragedy that has surrounded our lives this past year, there are things that I'm deeply thankful for.*I'm extremely thankful that I had our beautiful little girl, Cara, and for the time we spent with her. We held her for a little over twelve hours, and I continue to cling tightly to those memories. She was completely perfect, and I'd give anything to go back to that day.

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-62248977808379045512009-03-09T20:32:00.001-04:002009-03-09T20:32:50.663-04:00

As Cara's anniversary comes up, I find myself in a state of disbelief. I feel numb again and in shock. Could it really already be a year? She is supposed to be here. She is supposed to be one year old on March 18, not gone. How can this be?Many people at Compassionate Friends have often said the second year after their child's death is harder than the first. I'm starting to understand why this is

Timnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-74401451641266227462009-02-27T14:48:00.002-05:002009-03-02T09:04:37.885-05:00

Days like today remind me of her. Well maybe not such much her, as more the days following her death. Cloudy, warm, quiet. We were coming out of a drought from the year before and in the days after we come home it rained for what felt like weeks. The earth sobbed incessantly all but the days around when it received her. Those three days were gloriously beautiful. A true dichotomy to how we felt

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-71856460555528520002009-02-26T05:20:00.000-05:002009-02-26T05:21:16.243-05:00

We gathered this evening with our church community for Ash Wednesday. It was a beautiful service and a reverent way to enter into the season of Lent.I'm struck tonight at how different my experience was at last year's Ash Wednesday service...I remember standing at a cemetery on a crisp, sunny, winter day thinking about the cross, death, and what Lent would be about. In the midst of a service on

Timnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-64214430991343897782009-02-15T17:56:00.000-05:002009-02-15T17:57:03.176-05:00

My grandfather's wake was today. I couldn't bring myself to go. Last night I had a nightmare involving Cara and funeral homes. Without going into the details, it was enough to make me realize that viewings aren't my thing right now.So instead, this afternoon we went shag dancing to benefit the local Hospice organization. I felt more connected to my grandfather in those moments out on the dance

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-18948504198307360772009-02-14T08:41:00.000-05:002009-02-15T17:43:28.167-05:00

We just received a call that my grandfather passed away in his sleep last night. A man who has overcome unbelievable medical conditions over the past few years, left quietly.Pop fell somewhere in between Thursday and Friday evening. He had broken his ankle at 90 degrees and used his lifeline button to call for help. He was scheduled for surgery Friday evening, but they pushed it back to this

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-61206406843384442902009-02-05T19:55:00.002-05:002009-02-05T19:58:46.067-05:00

I had a moment yesterday, while sitting in a meeting at work, where I started to daydream about what Cara would have grown up to be. I don't know why it hit me then, but it just did. I guess it's one of those questions that parents always wonder about and ask their kids all throughout their lives..."What do you want to be when you grow up?"I'll never know or get to see what Cara would have

Timnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-16256194791793014972009-02-02T17:02:00.001-05:002009-02-02T17:03:43.607-05:00

We learned about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep the week after Cara died. If we had only known! Here's a great article about the organization. Stillbirths: How a New Openness Helps Parents Cope

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-45270736380701188332009-02-02T08:09:00.002-05:002009-02-02T08:16:25.901-05:00

Cynthia and I went for a walk today and talked about what our grief journey has been like these days.  Overall, it's a pretty lonely time right now.  Ten months out from losing the most precious part of our lives, our very own daughter, and the reality of a life without Cara has left us empty and alone.I shared this sentiment at Compassionate Friends last week and everyone there understood

Timnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-11160717167896688782009-01-29T07:39:00.002-05:002009-01-29T08:19:58.600-05:00

Recently I had an interesting conversation with a friend. (She reads this blog. Hi, friend!) The gist of the conversation is that it would be devastating if I didn't accept Cara's death in response to my assertion that I never would. I am using the following definitions of these words for the reflections below.Accept ~ 1. to receive as to meaning, 2. to reconcile oneself toReconcile ~ to accept

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-32655520541076440172009-01-29T07:30:00.001-05:002009-01-29T07:31:58.829-05:00

I read this passage from Christ of the Celts by J. Philip Newell this morning, and it perfectly summed up my thoughts about a subsequent child from yesterday. A note, while this passage uses a lot of birth imagery, it is not written in the context of pregnancy but in our longings of life.There is a connection between desire and conception, just as there is a connection between conception and

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-27250525283366496482009-01-28T17:55:00.004-05:002009-01-29T07:14:22.374-05:00

It is in the character of very few mento honor without envy a friend who has prospered.Aeschylus, Agamemnon Greek tragic dramatist (525 BC - 456 BC)I started this post assuming that the subject was about envy. I looked up envy in the dictionary - a feeling of discontent over another's success. I really like the quote above, but for me envy means longing and longing doesn't have to mean jealousy.

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-49140905020801541362009-01-28T07:34:00.000-05:002009-01-29T07:34:36.136-05:00

They played Cara's song last week at President Obama's inauguration. Cynthia and I sat there with tears welling up in our eyes, listening to the beautiful melody of Cara's song, "Simple Gifts." This was a memorable performance on a historic day. I know you were listening and watching, Cara...

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-45467824899945866952009-01-23T17:40:00.000-05:002009-01-23T17:41:06.501-05:00

Do you see this? Those are buds on the Bradford Pear outside Cara's room. It means her birthday is imminent. I remember the last day she was alive sitting in the nursery looking out at the blooms, thinking any day we would be home, sitting together in that same chair nursing. I just sat there with her in my belly dreaming of what it would be like to have her in my arms. I delivered her that week

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-43924735706793427692009-01-17T08:10:00.003-05:002009-01-17T10:55:41.775-05:00

I'm reading a book called Christ of Celts by J.Philip Newell. The first chapter, The Memory of the Song, offers reflections on the birth of creation.One of the first reflections asserts that creation was born of God. The earth and all living in it is an extension of God's being. I have heard so many times that the earth was created from nothing, but to be created from nothing would render it with

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-21224530690998847702009-01-12T14:21:00.003-05:002009-01-12T14:24:36.500-05:00

I have had an emotional hangover since leaving church yesterday. It's been dark days here, my friends. We are moving into a season of grieving Cara that is very difficult. All around us our friends are having babies, and we are coming up on the one year anniversary of our only child's stillbirth. Tim has had his fair share of tears to wipe from my eyes.My walk found a brief reprieve this

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-6003136843903212702009-01-12T10:44:00.000-05:002009-01-12T10:45:12.721-05:00

I received the movie Reign Over Me for Christmas and was able to watch it again over the holiday. Cynthia and I watched the movie for the first time back in February when she was about 8 months pregnant with Cara. We were really struck by the movie back then for reasons we wouldn't totally realize at the time.The movie is about a husband and father, Charlie, (Adam Sandler) who loses his wife

Timnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-12735614425200990262008-12-21T21:16:00.004-05:002008-12-21T21:31:30.467-05:00

Greetings from the mountains.We are already enjoying our time away. This afternoon we spent time lunching in the local town, then perusing the local art galleries trying to secure some last Christmas presents.We arrived to the house late this afternoon and have been relaxing ever since. My book of choice for the next few days is Marley & Me.I was reading another book that I just couldn’t get in

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-29350102413235705792008-12-18T08:43:00.002-05:002008-12-18T08:44:45.198-05:00

Hard to believe. My stomach drops when I let it sink in. We had 9 months of life with Cara, and now we're living into 9 months of death. It shouldn't have been this way. We miss our baby girl so much.Cynthia and I were talking last night about how over the past couple of weeks we've been moving into an acceptance stage in our grief journey. We shared this last night and I share this now

Timnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-69430386638362168542008-12-09T15:31:00.001-05:002008-12-11T15:33:28.436-05:00

Cynthia and I watched Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian: The Return to Narnia recently and were both touched by the song at the end of the film, "The Call" by Regina Spektor. The songs plays as Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy leave Narnia.Watch and listen to it here. (Just listen if you don't want to see the last scene of the film).This song struck a strong connection between Cara and us. It

Timnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-12800714328112531892008-11-28T08:05:00.000-05:002008-12-08T21:21:44.467-05:00

Last week I found Carly from Australia's blog - To Write Their Names in the Sand. I wrote to her, and this morning we received a precious gift...

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-47770696618852717442008-11-21T18:17:00.000-05:002008-12-08T21:26:15.158-05:00

I had a really beautiful experience last night driving on the freeway to visit with a friend. I was listening to a mix Tim made with the lights of the city all around me feeling the excitement of going to a place I love.And yet still in that beautiful moment, my grief consumed me. I was listening to River of Love, a song we sang at our last church which was in this city. It was there I met the

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-88562418143498788672008-11-01T22:29:00.001-04:002008-12-08T21:42:03.204-05:00

Dear Cara Grace,Life is so incredibly painful without you. I found myself sobbing hysterically today over your absence. I miss you so much, sweetheart. I hate how my body, my awareness, the doctors - we all failed you.I wanted to dress you up yesterday, my little pumpkin. Instead, Daddy and I hid away in the house with the lights off. Still one dark haired little princess found her way to our

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-60650027956153981862008-10-25T21:43:00.000-04:002008-12-08T21:45:54.296-05:00

Remember this post, about my friend who I had to break off communication with. Yesterday we met for the first time since June 7th. On Wednesday I sent her an email inviting her to my home. Friday when I opened the door, we both fell into each others arms. Four and a half months is a long time to not see or speak to one of your closest friends.We sat on the couch for two hours talking through

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-80630023958296701782008-10-15T09:34:00.005-04:002008-12-08T22:02:48.469-05:00

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-4648371268818663022008-09-28T08:44:00.004-04:002008-09-28T09:02:40.185-04:00

House of Representatives Bill 5979 was introduced by Peter King of NY in May 2008. This bill is currently referred to the Committee of Health with 13 cosponsors. The more cosponsors a bill has the more likely it is to pass. You may veiw the Bill Status page to find a list of cosponsors.There are a few key points to the bill:*Acknowledges that many states do not issue a Certificate of Stillbirth,

T & Cnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-4885913890487035972008-09-28T08:38:00.000-04:002008-09-28T08:51:23.142-04:00

June 17, 2008 Senator Barack Obama introduced the Preventing Stillbirth and SUID Act of 2008 (S. 3142). Much like House Bill 5979, the bill calls for a national repository for tracking stillbirth related deaths, as well as standardizing the collection of information related to a stillbirth. The bill currently has 5 cosponsors.This is an election year and obviously one of the candidates is the

T & Cnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-65825956065881378192008-09-27T08:53:00.001-04:002008-09-28T08:55:24.003-04:00

1 out of every 100 pregnancies results in stillbirth. More than 25,000 stillbirths occur annually in the US. That's roughly the same number of deaths as breast cancer. This is compared to 2,000 deaths related to SIDS. 60% of all stillbirth deaths remain unexplained. Stillbirth is defined as the unintentional death of an unborn baby who has passed 20 gestational weeks. Almost 50 percent of

T & Cnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-39238725672057138882008-07-28T21:48:00.000-04:002008-12-09T10:56:40.864-05:00

She was here. Perfectly formed, our beautiful little girl. Ready to bring us so much joy.I grieve not knowing her alive. To have never been able to see her little hand close around mine, or to know the life that was in her before it left all too suddenly inside me. I think that is the hardest part. Looking at her pictures and just wondering who she would have been...I start to think about other

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-10610396067565192472008-07-25T21:53:00.000-04:002008-12-09T10:55:12.072-05:00

With each passing day, I find myself loving Cara more. Tim and I started lighting a candle at dinner and setting it between us. It's a reminder that she is with us, burning love in our hearts.Tonight over dinner I asked Tim if we should have kept Cara with us the night after she was born. He said, no, it was time to say good-bye when we did. I said, I know, but I wonder if it wouldn't have felt

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-84008189934400520882008-06-27T18:58:00.000-04:002008-12-08T20:59:03.102-05:00

Tim and I are just coming home from seeing Cara one last time before our trip. As we started the climb up the hill to her grave, there was a roll of thunder behind us.Cara shouldn't be outside, it's about to storm. My maternal instinct set in. But all I could do was stand beside her grave and cry. There was a storm coming and nothing I could physically do would protect my little baby from it. She

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-64758279365341906772008-06-20T05:51:00.000-04:002008-12-08T21:01:31.716-05:00

It's early, and I'm awake. The thoughts that I try to quiet at night couldn't be sequestered any longer. Of all things I woke up with the following lyrics ringing through my mind. It's written about a jilted love relationship yet is speaking to me this morning.But there's a danger in loving somebody too much And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust There's a reason why people

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5036680620358998635.post-39712888482339172802008-06-13T00:16:00.000-04:002008-12-08T21:18:25.533-05:00

Dear Cara,I saw you tonight. Daddy and I were on our way to an event for his work, when I looked out the window. In a little white car, nestled tight in her green and gray car seat was a baby who looked just like you. She had a head full of dark hair and a sweet little nose. She was wide-eyed and absolutely beautiful.She was getting sleepy (it was 8:00) and kept rubbing her green blankie against

Cynthianoreply@blogger.com0