A gift from Australia

Last week I found Carly from Australia's blog - To Write Their Names in the Sand. I wrote to her, and this morning we received a precious gift...

Silver Lining

I had a really beautiful experience last night driving on the freeway to visit with a friend. I was listening to a mix Tim made with the lights of the city all around me feeling the excitement of going to a place I love.

And yet still in that beautiful moment, my grief consumed me. I was listening to River of Love, a song we sang at our last church which was in this city. It was there I met the friend I was going to visit.

River of Love
Recorded by Leslie Phillips

There's a river of love that runs through all times
There's a river of grief that floods through our lives
It starts when a heart is broken into
By the thief of belief in anything that's true
But there's a river of love that runs through all time

There's a river of love that runs through all times
There's a river of tears that floods through our eyes
We fight through the night for freedom as it fades
Into a jail where we fail everytime we make a break
But there's a river of love that runs through all time

I had to run before I knew how to crawl
The first step was hard but I have had trouble with them all
But now the night grows darker and the day grows dim
'Cause I know I never will see you again
And I almost made you happy

There's a river of love that runs through all time
There's a river of fire that burns with no light
The flame is the pain of dreams gone up in smoke
From the lies we deny and breathe until we choke
There's a river of love that runs through all time

My thoughts were centered around the bold words and some feelings I have been trying process but haven't been able to reconcile. The first step was hard but I have had trouble with them all...I was transported back to the hospital, wheeled down the hallway of the maternity floor, sitting in front of the elevator, no baby in my arms. I was leaving her there.

I had to walk to the car, into my house without her and collapse on the couch. A belly, days before filled with life, deflated in front of me, a symbol of my broken body and it's inability to care for my baby.

At this point last night, I was sobbing, driving down the highway, trying to figure out how to get it together. I didn't want my friend to know I was this upset, I want to be able to enjoy my time with her, I didn't want other people to think I had been crying. I longed to crawl up in a ball on my couch and even considered turning back.

Thankfully the next song on Tim's mix came through at the perfect moment.

Heart of Life
John Mayer

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

From 2,900 miles away in Seattle, I felt like Tim was speaking to me. Telling me to stop crying and go be with my friend. I reflect on how all of my friends have "defended the silver lining" and reminded me that there is still joy in life. Hopefully one day I'll find it again...

All Saints' Day

Dear Cara Grace,
Life is so incredibly painful without you. I found myself sobbing hysterically today over your absence. I miss you so much, sweetheart. I hate how my body, my awareness, the doctors - we all failed you.

I wanted to dress you up yesterday, my little pumpkin. Instead, Daddy and I hid away in the house with the lights off. Still one dark haired little princess found her way to our doorstep and reminded me of you.

I long to know who you would have become and the joy you would have brought us. Yet even in the one day we had you, you brought us so much joy. You were a marvel of a baby. Seven and a half months later the finality of your death is still setting in. I can't believe you are gone.

You are the first baby and the first saint for our church. It's a horrible honor. I can't fathom that tomorrow we celebrate you, my little wonder of a child. Honey, I miss you. I long to know you and to hold you. All around me my friends have children and are having children. You will always be missing in those friendships.

Tonight we went to Ms. E's house. We celebrated All Saints' Day with a feast of wine and good food. The table was set in fall colors, a sign of the harvest and celebration of the spirits. Mr. D offered a prayer of remembrance for those who have gone before us and missing from our gathering.

Cara, you are my greatest joy and your death is my greatest heartbreak. In you is wrapped up all of my emotions, all of my being. I'm slowly deconstructing my life and rebuilding it. Your daddy and I live our lives very different all these months later. Our focus is on enjoying life through activities that are life-giving like bike riding and playing games and watching movies together.

Tomorrow we celebrate you, that you have drawn us closer to our faith. We are still discovering what that means and will always be. There are so many things I don't understand about God - when he moves and when he doesn't and what it means to pray through that. I find myself stronger in my faith when I don't have the answers than when I do. Faith is just that, trusting in what I can't understand.

Cara, we long to have another child with us. We have all these lessons we learned that we want to put into motion and pour into your brother or sister.

I love you, my beautiful angel, gone far too quickly. Make yourself known to us. I'll be ever watching. You took a big part of my heart when you left us too soon.

Love,
Mommy