Days like today remind me of her. Well maybe not such much her, as more the days following her death. Cloudy, warm, quiet. We were coming out of a drought from the year before and in the days after we come home it rained for what felt like weeks. The earth sobbed incessantly all but the days around when it received her. Those three days were gloriously beautiful. A true dichotomy to how we felt yet a reprieve from the bleakness of the rain. A welcomed uplift in the midst of a darkened tragedy.
And then the week after we buried her, the clouds returned. Tim and I sat on our couch that week facing each other silently. We slept intermittently, cried, but mostly just felt dead inside. How could our world have been so completely shattered? I still struggle to wrap my mind around it.
The clouds outside now just burst forth with the rain they have been withholding. It's as if my recognition of their presence here gives them permission to let forth their tears.
Sunday the calendar turns the page on her month. I find March 18th sits empty on most. When I received the family calendar this year, the first page I turned to was March. Blank. Other than my birthday sitting a little less than a week after hers as if I even care. The church newsletter came out with the monthly birthday wishes, again hers was not there. In respect and love, I know my church and my family will honor her memory, but to find her name missing this year is the starkest of reminders of the one who too is missing.
As I continue to survive through February, I find today to be a reminder of the spring of last year. I foresee the days leading up to Cara's birthday being difficult, but I also imagine the days following even more so. As we have warm rainy days, as we remember last year when the world stopped for us, and as around us we are expected to carry on with pace of life void of the societal acceptance of fresh grief that we were granted last year.
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3 comments:
Cynthia,
It has been just over 2 years since Christian was born. He was born in the month of January on a 42 degree (C) day. When summer is upon us every year and we feel those extremely hot days, the same feelings rush to us that we experienced on the day he was born. Around the first anniversary of his birthday those feelings that came to us from the hot weather, the scent of candles and a few other things brought along with them sadness.
But a year later on his 2nd birthday... for some reason Carly and I invited those smells and senses as they sparked the memory of the day he was born. As much as the memories are sad they are all we have of him now. So in saying that, our personnel experience is now a positive one when the Summer weather brings us the atmosphere that reminds us of Christians birthday.
God Bless - Sam
Thanks for those thoughts, Sam. Tim and I spent some time talking about them today, hoping that maybe next year these days will bring us back to a happier time. We appreciate all that you and Carly are doing and are continually in awe of your work.
I can only echo my husband on this one Cynthia. He wrote out my thoughts too.
We both send you our love
x
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