For over 30 years, my family has journeyed to beach for the week of July 4th. It is a time to reconnect with aunts, uncles, cousins and at one time our grandparents, who have now gone before us. I still find ways to connect with my grandparents through this trip. I have taken over making the family batch of chocolate chip cookies every year, a tradition my grandmother used to maintain. The first trip for ice cream downtown I enjoyed a scoop of cherry vanilla, my grandfather's favorite.
This trip has come to mean even more to me in recent stays. Two years ago a firecracker ignited in my ovary during this trip and my little Cara Grace found her way into our lives. She truly was a miracle.
Cara was conceived on our second cycle of trying for a baby. Unbeknownst to me who had never tracked a cycle in my life, I had really long cycles. The cycle before Cara we thought we were pregnant. I went 32 days without starting another cycle. I thought for sure I was pregnant and was disappointed to continuously receive negative test results.
With the second cycle, I made it a mission to understand what was going on with my body. And so on July 5th, 26 days into my cycle we found that perfect day and our little Cara came into our lives.
Being back in the same place in the same room she was conceived is such a painful reminder at times. The first night here I sat on the bed with tears pouring down my face. Would I wish her away? Absolutely not. However, I would trade the rest of my days to have her here with us. As I sat there writing in my journal, my second daughter bounced around in my stomach. What a mixing of emotions. As I grieve my one child, the life of my other makes herself known.