Monday, July 28, 2008

She was here.

She was here. Perfectly formed, our beautiful little girl. Ready to bring us so much joy.

I grieve not knowing her alive. To have never been able to see her little hand close around mine, or to know the life that was in her before it left all too suddenly inside me. I think that is the hardest part. Looking at her pictures and just wondering who she would have been...

I start to think about other children. In that same thought I grieve deeply, because we will never know Cara like we will know them. We shouldn't even be thinking about more kids right now. We should be the anxious first parents just trying to make it through the first year.

She was here and gone too quickly.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Love overflowing

With each passing day, I find myself loving Cara more. Tim and I started lighting a candle at dinner and setting it between us. It's a reminder that she is with us, burning love in our hearts.

Tonight over dinner I asked Tim if we should have kept Cara with us the night after she was born. He said, no, it was time to say good-bye when we did. I said, I know, but I wonder if it wouldn't have felt more full to keep her with us the night. He said (and I concur) that saying good-bye was never going to be easy. It was just really painful to be in the hospital without her. To hear the baby next door crying through the wall. To have my broken body telling me I just gave birth to baby, but not having her there in my arms. To be wheeled past the nursery out to the car bringing nothing more than a bracelet engraved with her name, a few locks of her hair, and hand and feet prints.

I miss my girl so much. There is a lot going on behind the scenes that I'm not ready to talk about, but it is making me cling to Cara's memories all the more. Her death has brought so many good things, but it has been mingled with a lot of unnecessary pain as well.