It's a horrible combination.
I could manage pain before the grief. I was learning to manage the grief before the pregnancy hormones. Then the horrible combination of all three started to intermingle, and it leaves me a soppy mess.
I remember saying to our pastor the day we found out we lost Cara that I couldn't imagine anything hurting worse than that. How I didn't want to have another hurt because it surely would take me back to that moment.
As I suspected, it does. The slightest hurt sends me into a downward spiral of "why me?" WHY ME, damnit. I did nothing to deserve this, yet I will live the rest of my life without my daughter. I want her here with us so desperately.
As we begin preparing for our next little one, I face so much fear. It was easier for me to deal with the pregnancy in its early stages than now as it nears the end. What if we have come all this way to lose another baby? I came home from shopping Friday night, bags filled with clothes for her all around me on the floor and completely fell apart. "Tim, what if she doesn't make it? What if I have bought all these things for her and she doesn't live?" I cried. Tim encouraged me to make some new memories for her, but it is still very hard for me.
I suppose in some ways I'm confronting what I dealt with in losing Cara. We had everything ready for her. The nursery was set, the clothes were folded and tucked in their appropriate spots. Then in a flurry the week after we lost her, I pulled everything out that could be returned and sent it back.
I don't want that feeling again. The feeling of sitting here, ready for a baby, and what if she doesn't come home with us? So many emotions, so much pain, grief, and if we are honest, hormones...
Friday afternoon I was listening to a nursery mix we put together for Cara and will now use for our next baby. One of the songs is an instrumental version of Yesterday by the Beatles. As the words floated through my head, I realized how true it was for us and how much I longed for our "Yesterday". The lyrics that spoke to me...
Yesterday, All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why she had to go I don't know...
Yesterday, Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
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1 comment:
Oh yes, I understand. Very much so. All too well.
I fall apart on a regular basis. My husband is an expect at picking up and putting me together again.
The words to the song are beautiful ... I never realised how appropriate they were.
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