It's early, and I'm awake. The thoughts that I try to quiet at night couldn't be sequestered any longer. Of all things I woke up with the following lyrics ringing through my mind. It's written about a jilted love relationship yet is speaking to me this morning.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Our grief journey is three months in the making. In some ways we are in a better place than we have been before, but in other ways the further we are from Cara's death, the more it hurts. We are further away from our one day with her. Further away from those memories that we still cling to and replay over and over.
This past week I have had to add a new dimension to my grief. Someone very close to me has hurt me very badly to the point that our friendship is permanently on hold. I did not enter into this grief journey expecting that I would also have to grieve the loss of other relationships close to me. I assumed those close to us would remain that way.
And yet in the midst of this journey, new friends have emerged who can accept and embrace us in our grief. For them and all those who support us, we are eternally grateful.
Grieving this one friendship is in some ways distracting me from my grief work, so I want to get back on track. I'm trying every healthy outlet I can - journaling, praying, writing letters I'll never send. Obviously, the easiest answer would be to forgive this person, but I am learning easier said than done. I have come to accept like most things in life forgiveness is a process. Just like grief is a process and loving God is a process, forgiveness is a process. I don't know what it means to forgive someone who has hurt me this badly, but I'm going to learn. Because as God loves, pursues and forgives me, so too must I forgive this person.
The other thing I have learned is that while I can forgive, it does not mean that I must be reconciled to her and spend time with her. For my own sanity, forgiving may have to be enough.