With each passing day, I find myself loving Cara more. Tim and I started lighting a candle at dinner and setting it between us. It's a reminder that she is with us, burning love in our hearts.
Tonight over dinner I asked Tim if we should have kept Cara with us the night after she was born. He said, no, it was time to say good-bye when we did. I said, I know, but I wonder if it wouldn't have felt more full to keep her with us the night. He said (and I concur) that saying good-bye was never going to be easy. It was just really painful to be in the hospital without her. To hear the baby next door crying through the wall. To have my broken body telling me I just gave birth to baby, but not having her there in my arms. To be wheeled past the nursery out to the car bringing nothing more than a bracelet engraved with her name, a few locks of her hair, and hand and feet prints.
I miss my girl so much. There is a lot going on behind the scenes that I'm not ready to talk about, but it is making me cling to Cara's memories all the more. Her death has brought so many good things, but it has been mingled with a lot of unnecessary pain as well.