Saturday, November 1, 2008

All Saints' Day

Dear Cara Grace,
Life is so incredibly painful without you. I found myself sobbing hysterically today over your absence. I miss you so much, sweetheart. I hate how my body, my awareness, the doctors - we all failed you.

I wanted to dress you up yesterday, my little pumpkin. Instead, Daddy and I hid away in the house with the lights off. Still one dark haired little princess found her way to our doorstep and reminded me of you.

I long to know who you would have become and the joy you would have brought us. Yet even in the one day we had you, you brought us so much joy. You were a marvel of a baby. Seven and a half months later the finality of your death is still setting in. I can't believe you are gone.

You are the first baby and the first saint for our church. It's a horrible honor. I can't fathom that tomorrow we celebrate you, my little wonder of a child. Honey, I miss you. I long to know you and to hold you. All around me my friends have children and are having children. You will always be missing in those friendships.

Tonight we went to Ms. E's house. We celebrated All Saints' Day with a feast of wine and good food. The table was set in fall colors, a sign of the harvest and celebration of the spirits. Mr. D offered a prayer of remembrance for those who have gone before us and missing from our gathering.

Cara, you are my greatest joy and your death is my greatest heartbreak. In you is wrapped up all of my emotions, all of my being. I'm slowly deconstructing my life and rebuilding it. Your daddy and I live our lives very different all these months later. Our focus is on enjoying life through activities that are life-giving like bike riding and playing games and watching movies together.

Tomorrow we celebrate you, that you have drawn us closer to our faith. We are still discovering what that means and will always be. There are so many things I don't understand about God - when he moves and when he doesn't and what it means to pray through that. I find myself stronger in my faith when I don't have the answers than when I do. Faith is just that, trusting in what I can't understand.

Cara, we long to have another child with us. We have all these lessons we learned that we want to put into motion and pour into your brother or sister.

I love you, my beautiful angel, gone far too quickly. Make yourself known to us. I'll be ever watching. You took a big part of my heart when you left us too soon.


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