Silver Lining

I had a really beautiful experience last night driving on the freeway to visit with a friend. I was listening to a mix Tim made with the lights of the city all around me feeling the excitement of going to a place I love.

And yet still in that beautiful moment, my grief consumed me. I was listening to River of Love, a song we sang at our last church which was in this city. It was there I met the friend I was going to visit.

River of Love
Recorded by Leslie Phillips

There's a river of love that runs through all times
There's a river of grief that floods through our lives
It starts when a heart is broken into
By the thief of belief in anything that's true
But there's a river of love that runs through all time

There's a river of love that runs through all times
There's a river of tears that floods through our eyes
We fight through the night for freedom as it fades
Into a jail where we fail everytime we make a break
But there's a river of love that runs through all time

I had to run before I knew how to crawl
The first step was hard but I have had trouble with them all
But now the night grows darker and the day grows dim
'Cause I know I never will see you again
And I almost made you happy

There's a river of love that runs through all time
There's a river of fire that burns with no light
The flame is the pain of dreams gone up in smoke
From the lies we deny and breathe until we choke
There's a river of love that runs through all time

My thoughts were centered around the bold words and some feelings I have been trying process but haven't been able to reconcile. The first step was hard but I have had trouble with them all...I was transported back to the hospital, wheeled down the hallway of the maternity floor, sitting in front of the elevator, no baby in my arms. I was leaving her there.

I had to walk to the car, into my house without her and collapse on the couch. A belly, days before filled with life, deflated in front of me, a symbol of my broken body and it's inability to care for my baby.

At this point last night, I was sobbing, driving down the highway, trying to figure out how to get it together. I didn't want my friend to know I was this upset, I want to be able to enjoy my time with her, I didn't want other people to think I had been crying. I longed to crawl up in a ball on my couch and even considered turning back.

Thankfully the next song on Tim's mix came through at the perfect moment.

Heart of Life
John Mayer

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

From 2,900 miles away in Seattle, I felt like Tim was speaking to me. Telling me to stop crying and go be with my friend. I reflect on how all of my friends have "defended the silver lining" and reminded me that there is still joy in life. Hopefully one day I'll find it again...