Friday, June 27, 2008


Tim and I are just coming home from seeing Cara one last time before our trip. As we started the climb up the hill to her grave, there was a roll of thunder behind us.

Cara shouldn't be outside, it's about to storm.

My maternal instinct set in. But all I could do was stand beside her grave and cry. There was a storm coming and nothing I could physically do would protect my little baby from it. She was outside, exposed, by a tree.

Tim always reminds me that she isn't really there. It's in those moments that I ask her to watch out for us and tell her mom and dad love her so much.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Sometimes love...

It's early, and I'm awake. The thoughts that I try to quiet at night couldn't be sequestered any longer. Of all things I woke up with the following lyrics ringing through my mind. It's written about a jilted love relationship yet is speaking to me this morning.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Our grief journey is three months in the making. In some ways we are in a better place than we have been before, but in other ways the further we are from Cara's death, the more it hurts. We are further away from our one day with her. Further away from those memories that we still cling to and replay over and over.

This past week I have had to add a new dimension to my grief. Someone very close to me has hurt me very badly to the point that our friendship is permanently on hold. I did not enter into this grief journey expecting that I would also have to grieve the loss of other relationships close to me. I assumed those close to us would remain that way.

And yet in the midst of this journey, new friends have emerged who can accept and embrace us in our grief. For them and all those who support us, we are eternally grateful.

Grieving this one friendship is in some ways distracting me from my grief work, so I want to get back on track. I'm trying every healthy outlet I can - journaling, praying, writing letters I'll never send. Obviously, the easiest answer would be to forgive this person, but I am learning easier said than done. I have come to accept like most things in life forgiveness is a process. Just like grief is a process and loving God is a process, forgiveness is a process. I don't know what it means to forgive someone who has hurt me this badly, but I'm going to learn. Because as God loves, pursues and forgives me, so too must I forgive this person.

The other thing I have learned is that while I can forgive, it does not mean that I must be reconciled to her and spend time with her. For my own sanity, forgiving may have to be enough.

Friday, June 13, 2008

A green blankie and a red pacie

Dear Cara,
I saw you tonight. Daddy and I were on our way to an event for his work, when I looked out the window. In a little white car, nestled tight in her green and gray car seat was a baby who looked just like you. She had a head full of dark hair and a sweet little nose. She was wide-eyed and absolutely beautiful.

She was getting sleepy (it was 8:00) and kept rubbing her green blankie against her face. I could tell she liked the way it felt, because it was a repetitive motion, over and over again.

She was older than you would have been now. She kept taking her red pacie out of her mouth, a trick your seven-month old buddy, O just learned a month ago.

I watched her in amazement. I was so fixed on her that I didn't want to break my concentration for a moment to tell your dad. But he saw me watching and was quickly captured up in the moment too.

The thing that most enchanted me was the fact that she studied me in return. She gazed straight into my eyes. She saw me, and I saw you.

I love you, sweetheart. We miss you terribly, but you know this. You are around us always. I think I forget that sometimes. I get so caught up in missing you, that I forget you are still here just not in the way that I would wish.

You have been with us as we have attempted some fun things. You have been with us as we cry until our eyes are dry. You are with us when even in the midst of our grief and when life continues to deal us harsh blows. You are with us as we enjoy in the beauty of nature. You are with us in these moments, because you are with God and he forever surrounds us.

Cara Grace, you are never far from your mother's heart.