One of the lifelines that has helped me through this journey has been trying to tend and care for Cara like she's still here. Not in the physical sense, but in the sense that somehow, in ways I can't totally comprehend, her spirit is still here.
I've heard other parents at Compassionate Friends talk about this. Cynthia's Aunt was just sharing with us this weekend that she misses her daughter so much, while adding, "but she's still here with me."
I don't have a full-proof explanation for how someones spirit can remain, I can only offer these ideas...
Your child or loved one is still here because they are a part of you. Sometimes biologically or physically, sometimes through other bonds and unions. Your loved one was a part of you, a part of your very fabric and being. So they are still here, because for them to be gone would be like walking around with only one arm or leg. Without them, a part of you would be missing.
My second reason is because of things beyond my comprehension. For some reason, the movie Ghost has been playing in my head over the past couple weeks. I think because of Easter and other conversations that have brought up the question of how someone that is dead can still be alive. I started thinking about Ghost and the way in which the dead character in the movie was very much present in spirit. His spirit was there, in the room, walking next to his loved one wherever she went. I don't mean to get all spooky with tales of ghosts, but I do have faith in the spiritual and supernatural nature of this world.
I've felt flashes of things unseen, or holy moments, over the past year. Sometimes while working in the garden, in such a natural, beautiful place. Or sometimes standing next to Cara's grave early in the morning before work. It's as if somehow in these moments, I get a sense of something divine, something beyond me and yet right next to me at the same time.
I have faith that one day we'll get to commune with those we've lost, not in fragmented moments, but for eternity. Until then, I will look for Cara in the places on earth in which her spirit seems close, and deep in my heart because she will always be a part of me...
Coldplay - Fix You
Chris Martin wrote this song for Gwyneth Paltrow (his wife) after her father died.