Saturday, June 27, 2009


This summer, Cynthia and I are finding the summer weekends to be hard. The pain isn't as raw as it was last summer, but it's still hard nonetheless. It's still hard to be walk around the pool and see all the little babies and toddlers hand in hand with their parents. It's still hard to wake up on a summer Saturday with an empty nursery void of sweet little Cara slowly stirring as she wakes up for the day. The house is too quiet and our weekends are emptied of the joys of caring for Cara, who would have been 1 year and 3 months old.

It's still hard and it always will be. There will always be moments like last night for the rest of our lives.

Cynthia and I were driving separately back from the pool after meeting there after work. When Cynthia got home she told me that she cried the entire trip home and proceeded to break down again in the kitchen. All I could do was hold her and try to offer some words of comfort that quickly fell short. I can feel Cynthia's pain when she said "that she just wants Cara here" and "why are we the parents who lost our child?"

Times like this are the harder moments in grieving. They are the low points when you are hurt, angry and torn apart because of your child's death.

The best advice we've received about how to deal with these low points came from our counselor. He suggested to just be present in the moment, rather than fighting yourself by attempting to somehow to get out of the lowpoint. When you try to rise above the low point, or try to cover it up, or quickly move on, it only tends to get worse. And I think with patience and time, moments of peace and calm will eventually come. The "better" moments don't totally take away all the pain, but they do help.

Today is a typical summer day. We spent the already hot morning visiting the Farmer's Market downtown. We stopped at a table that had little baby outfits supporting the market...there was a cute little pink shirt that said "locally grown at the Farmer's market" with a little plant sprout graphic on the front of the shirt. Cara would have looked so cute in that shirt.

We love you, Cara. We miss you so much this summer.

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